Grief

Grief, it's such a hard thing. I'm mourning the loss of ability. I want to grocery shop, drive, or even crochet without exhaustion. I've had to rely more on my family lately. I don't like burdening them.
Glory to God in all things though, and as one friend said to me, "Keep your mind in hell and despair not." St. Silouan the Athonite. It's like saying, "Keep your head up", even though it seems as though you're drowning.  You may be in hell right now but do not lose sight of your salvation and the One who cares for you. We live in a broken universe. This means bad things can happen to nice people and vice versa. Illness is an unfortunate consequence of the brokenness of this world. I dont ask God why I'm sick. It's never crossed my mind. I'm more concerned with the 'what' (what this illness means for me and my family) than the 'why'. I am grateful for that. Glory to God in all things! Good, bad, or ugly.

Rough day

Today has been the worst since this flare up started. I'm feverish and hurting. Emotionally, I'm lost. I don't know what to do in my situation. At times like this I need help all day everyday. Being in limbo sucks. I don't know if I can get government help with that. We can't afford home care unless we move. I don't want to move, but wants and needs are two different things.

Busy bee

We took our "March break" early this year. We spent four days at Great Wolf Lodge. It was great! The kids had a blast, and I rested as much as I needed. I did have a little cotton candy. I have a new favorite flavour, green apple. I am going through a flare up right now, and I know what caused it. I had bread pudding for dessert on our last night there. The next day I ate fudge from Souvenir City on the Niagara Parkway (the best fudge), followed by pizza at my brother and sister-in-law's. So, gluten, sugar, and dairy...3 things I know I must avoid but have a difficult time saying "no" to. Thank God that lent is almost here. Lent helps me stay focused.
Once I'm feeling better I'll be able to get some blood work done and post those results here. I'm most interested in my A1C and cholesterol levels. I have high hopes that they have both decreased.

So far so good!

Things are going well. I see my naturopath for an assessment this week. We will then determine what our next step is. I'm happy with my progress so far, and I'm grateful for it. You don't know what you have really, until it is threatened to be taken away from you or is completely taken away. To date, I've been able to join the church choir on a biweekly basis and I've also joined our parish sisterhood. These two groups allow me to give back to my community in a way that I can manage. I'm learning to sing tenor for choir and I didn't even know that I could sing that high. They need tenors but we don't have any so the women step in and do the best we can for that part. I find it challenging and rewarding at the same time. It's allowed me to grow vocally and it gives me joy to sing in that setting once again. For the last few days I haven't been resting as often as I should. I woke up stiff and sore today. I went to church, sang in the choir, and attended the sisterhood meeting. I'm now in bed as a result of not resting as often as I should. My back is hurting all over and my eyes are starting to hurt  and get hot. I may end up taking 400 milligrams of Advil just to make sure the pain doesn't get too bad. Other than that, so far so good!

Hormone test results

Glory to God! I got my hormone test results back about a week and a half ago, and there were some surprises. I have no progesterone. None, not a drop! My cortisol levels are too low. I've got the highest melatonin levels in the morning, and the lowest in the evening. This is why it is so difficult for me to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. It should be the other way around, low levels in the morning and high levels at night, so I can actually sleep at night. Oh and my adrenals are pretty much shot. So now I'm taking a progesterone cream, an adrenaline support supplement, and sublingual melatonin at night. I've been told that the progesterone cream may take at least 3 months to work. I shouldn't expect an overnight change. The melatonin is working, I also have valerian tea at night to help me fall asleep faster. I'm staying asleep longer and I'm able to get back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of night. As for the support supplement that I'm taking for my adrenals, I haven't noticed a huge change yet. At first my craving for salt late at night which is the key symptom of having fatigue adrenals went away, but it's come back. This could be a result of my sister having her baptism and engagement party on the same weekend and me coming down with a cold. These three things combined really took a lot out of me this past week. And I'm only just starting to feel a little bit more energy throughout the day. I'm still going ahead with my vitamin IV therapy. It really works. It's helped me so much. It boost my energy like nothing else I've tried. I've been able to reduce the vitamin C amounts that I have to take everyday and the probiotics. Eventually I'll be able to come off of the probiotics which is good. Because it would be nice to just allow my body to cultivate all of the good bacteria in my gut and then they can have a big ole party and create even more little bacteria babies to help keep my digestive system in good working order.

Foods

So...I stuck to my new anti inflammatory diet for 4 weeks. I did cheat a few times. It wasn't anything drastic, a tiny piece of cake here or a bite of baklava there. The fifth week I fell off of the wagon and sat in the middle of the road for a couple of days eating foods made with flour, sugar, and a bit of dairy.
It was Nativity! I wanted those perogies! I'd been sooo good, I could treat myself...right? No. No you may not treat yourself, my body said. After two days my symptoms came back. Hot eyeballs, fever, pain all over. Oh, and my skin freaked out too. I had the large cystic acne spots on my chin. They were huge and painful. I've been treating them with a benzoyl peroxide cream and it's helped a lot. The swelling and pain are gone, but two weeks later I still have the remnants of these cysts on my chin.
I am back on track but my right hand still hurts. I've learned my lesson. My naturopath has taken me off of all gluten containing foods. I remember that I always got heartburn after eating oatmeal and I would have a mild bout of asthma after eating bread or pasta. I didn't know at the time, that this was a sign of inflammation. Little signs build up over time until they form a massive wall, which you then run right into. It knocks you down, and as you sit there gazing up at this monstrosity you can see all of the little signs it's made out of. I'm at the point in my journey where I am pulling the wall apart, one sign at a time. Glory to God one day I will be able to get through my wall.

Vitamin IV treatments

One of the first things I did when I started seeing my naturopath, aside from a new diet, was vitamin IV therapy. A small butterfly style needle is placed into my vein and a solution of antioxidants, vitamin B12, and magnesium are flooded intro my blood stream.

My first treatment had me drowsy. I actually nodded off in the chair as I waited for the drip to do its thing. I returned home and slept most of the day. The next morning I felt as if nothing was wrong with me at all. I could conquer the world! That sense of euphoric well being lasted only a few hours, after which I completely crashed and burned.

My second treatment did not make me drowsy. I felt great for about a day and a half, and I didn't crash as hard. I only had one really bad day that week. Fever and pain but it was one day out of seven. I count that as a win!

The last treatment I had was my third. It was this past Tuesday.    I've been feeling great for the past 4 days! I've rested when I need to and I have not over worked myself. I felt the effects of the vitamin treatment slowly wearing off today. I had a nap this afternoon, and my dizziness has returned. Nevertheless, this treatment is working. It has returned some of the ability I had lost. Onwards and upwards!